My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
