on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
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I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
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Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?