I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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