you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
