found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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