My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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