listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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