I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
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I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
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She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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