got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
