If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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