I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
