my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
