I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
