just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
