Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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