I've come to the conclusion that as a grad student I would much rather prefer to get laid then get drunk
I think you know full well that a few years ago my stance was the polar opposite
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
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the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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