even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Randomize
