If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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