i'm lost and i look like a hooker
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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