I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
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