did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
