checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
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