Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
