I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
