I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
