So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
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