Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
what is it with giant penises always finding me
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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