I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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