he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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