I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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