My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
