i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
