He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
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