I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
