He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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