i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
