When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
