70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
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