what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
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He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
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I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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