hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
