i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
