once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
How does it feel to date your dad?
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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