Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
is that a dick in a sweater?
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
