i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
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