just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
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