I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
