I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
