make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
