soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
