I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I would fuck him just for his dog
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Randomize
