She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
