She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
