Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
