his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
