I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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