You can't motorboat a personality
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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